This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
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On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
congratulations to them
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.