Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
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Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last