My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
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You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?