I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
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[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle