Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
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Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
shit, they caught us—run!!!
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.