If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
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Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
do what now??
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.