inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
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Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
finally found a reasonable question
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in