You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
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Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
whatcha thinkin bout
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.