People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
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Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets