Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
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Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?