*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
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me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Smooooooth
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
This is a sub tweet
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Important
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up