There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
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Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Is fake venison called venisn’t
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.