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All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits