“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
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Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
just witnessed a drug deal