I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
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Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Saw your ex at the shops
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
If you know, you know
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.