Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
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When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
God, I love Scotland
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
$3 #books
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times