“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
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Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.