Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
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Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing