The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
You Might Also Like
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
How dramatic are you?
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend