If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
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Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
What a website
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
won’t smith
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.