ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
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ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life