[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
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You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.