Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
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[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
pat pat
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day