Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
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Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Beauty and the Beast
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack