*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
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Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please