My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
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Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat