*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
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When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?