Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
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Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
tell em, edith-anne
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral