ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
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*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
A short story of betrayal:
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
We found love in a hopeless place.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
bro what is going on at twitter
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…