I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
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I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”