Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
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You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home