Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
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A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.