so no one told you life was gonna be this way
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9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
*looks at you in batman voice*
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.