[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
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RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
all that yoga finally paid off
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere