[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
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I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct