wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
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You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Candles never taste the way they smell
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Not all heroes wear capes…
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.