WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
You Might Also Like
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.