[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
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My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.