*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
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Who wants to be my Valentine?
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
When libraries troll their patrons.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁