I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
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I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Me as a therapist: omg same
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*