Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
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every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money