I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
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“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
I’m listening
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE