The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
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If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.