If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
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“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
happy valentine’s day to me
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm