i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
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My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Social distancing in Australia:
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”