Sorry I made promises on Friday
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Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
crochet youtube is brutal
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
[shakes fist at other fist]