#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
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*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.