me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
You Might Also Like
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Still my favorite headline of all time: