My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
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Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]