Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
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The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank